No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
