I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
