hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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