don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
