dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
