God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
