i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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