Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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