I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
