I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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