Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
