I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Randomize
