I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
