Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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