You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
