I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
