some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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