Betty ford says i'm here all night
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
