I wish I could punch you in the face.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
