life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i now understand why vodka
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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