Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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