so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He called his prostate his "boner button".
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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