I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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