fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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