i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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