It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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