He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
