Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
