I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
