I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
