Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
