So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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