It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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