Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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