Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
