I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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