I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
