If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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