totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
