3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
