i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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