what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All the doctor said was why
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
