he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
