Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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