Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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