she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
