"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So squirting runs in the family.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
