the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
ttyl tear gas
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
