Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
