It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
