So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
