I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
