I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
